10 TIPS FOR HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Healthy relationships bring happiness and health to our lives. 

Studies show that people with healthy relationships really do have more happiness and less stress. There are basic ways to make relationships healthy, even though each one is different…parents, siblings, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, professors, roommates, and classmates. 

Here are Ten Tips for Healthy Relationships!

Keep expectations realistic. No one can be everything we might want him or her to be. Sometimes people disappoint us. It’s not all-or-nothing, though. Healthy relationships mean accepting people as they are and not trying to change them!

Talk with each other. It can’t be said enough: communication is essential in healthy relationships! It means— Take the time. Really be there.

 Genuinely listen. Don’t plan what to say next while you're trying to listen. Don’t interrupt. Listen with your ears and your heart. Sometimes people have emotional messages to share and weave it into their words. 

Ask questions. Ask if you think you may have missed the point. Ask friendly (and appropriate!) questions. Ask for opinions. 

Show your interest. Open the communication door. Share information. Studies show that sharing information especially helps relationships begin. Be generous in sharing yourself, but don’t overwhelm others with too much too soon.

Be flexible. Most of us try to keep people and situations just the way we like them to be. It’s natural to feel apprehensive, even sad or angry, when people or things change and we’re not ready for it. Healthy relationships mean change and growth are allowed!

Take care of you. You probably hope those around you like you so you may try to please them. Don’t forget to please yourself. Healthy relationships are mutual!

Be dependable. If you make plans with someone, follow through. If you have an assignment deadline, meet it. If you take on a responsibility, complete it. Healthy relationships are trustworthy!

Fight fair. Most relationships have some conflict. It only means you disagree about something, it doesn’t have to mean you don’t like each other! When you have a problem:

** Negotiate a time to talk about it. Don’t have difficult conversations when you are very angry or tired. Ask, "When is a good time to talk about something that is bothering me?" Healthy relationships are based on respect and have room for both.

** Don’t criticize. Attack the problem, not the other person.  Open sensitive conversations with "I" statements; talk about how you struggle with the problem. Don’t open with "you" statements; avoid blaming the other person for your thoughts and feelings. Healthy relationships don’t blame.

** Don’t assign feelings or motives. Let others speak for themselves.  Healthy relationships recognize each person’s right to explain themselves.

** Stay with the topic. Don’t use a current concern as a reason to jump into everything that bothers you. Healthy relationships don’t use ammunition from the past to fuel the present. Say, "I’m sorry" when you’re wrong. It goes a long way in making things right again.  Healthy relationships can admit mistakes.

** Don’t assume things. When we feel close to someone it’s easy to think we know how he or she thinks and feels. We can be very wrong! Healthy relationships check things out.

** Ask for help if you need it. Talk with someone who can help you find resolution—like your RA, a counselor, a teacher, a minister or even parents. Check campus resources like Counseling Services . Healthy relationships aren’t afraid to ask for help. There may not be a resolved ending. Be prepared to compromise or to disagree about some things. Healthy relationships don’t demand conformity or perfect agreement.

** Don’t hold grudges. You don’t have to accept anything and everything, but don’t hold grudges—they just drain your energy. Studies show that the more we see the best in others, the better healthy relationships get. Healthy relationships don’t hold on to past hurts and misunderstandings.

** The goal is for everyone to be a winner. Relationships with winners and losers don’t last. Healthy relationships are between winners who seek answers to problems together.

** You can leave a relationship. You can choose to move out of a relationship. Studies tell us that loyalty is very important in good relationships, but healthy relationships are NOW, not some hoped-for future development.

Show your warmth. Studies tell us warmth is highly valued by most people in their relationships. Healthy relationships show emotional warmth!

Keep your life balanced. Other people help make our lives satisfying but they can’t create that satisfaction for us. Only you can fill your life. Don’t overload on activities, but do use your time at college to try new things—clubs, volunteering, lectures, projects. You’ll have more opportunities to meet people and more to share with them. Healthy relationships aren’t dependent!

It’s a process. Sometimes it looks like everyone else on campus is confident and connected. Actually, most people feel just like you feel, wondering how to fit in and have good relationships. It takes time to meet people and get to know them…so, make "small talk"…respond to others…smile…keep trying. Healthy relationships can be learned and practiced and keep getting better!

Be yourself! It’s much easier and much more fun to be you than to pretend to be something or someone else. Sooner or later, it catches up anyway. Healthy relationships are made of real people, not images!

ADDICTED TO BAD RELATIONSHIPS......FIND OUT ON OUR NEXT POST..

IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOOD ENOUGH?

Ten questions you can ask yourself to help clarify whether or not your relationship, albeit imperfect, is worth a good go:

1. Are you exaggerating the negatives? For the next two months mark the good and bad days on your calendar to get a reality check.

2. Have you already left the marriage by emotionally withdrawing? Or by giving up all attempts to make the relationship better? If so, can you find a way to reengage?

3. Do you get so angry that you hit each other or throw things at least once a month? If the answer is yes, are you hanging on to a terrible relationship because you're afraid of being alone? Or because you're convinced it's the best you can do? 

4. If you're frustrated because your husband won't change (you'd like him to be more forceful or manly, for example), is it really necessary that he does? Is there anything in your family history that may be driving your need to transform him? (Your father never stood up for you when you needed him.) 

5. Have you been teaching your husband the wrong lessons by not challenging his hurtful behavior? (You don't say anything when he criticizes you in public. He never washes the dishes, so you just do them, resentfully.)

6. Do you have fun together? Even when things are tough, do you make jokes about it? (A good sign.) If not, can you make time in your marriage for more play?

7. Are there conflicts that you've avoided in the relationship? What do you fear would happen if you confronted them?

8. Do you simply need more time alone? A weekend on your own every so often to make the heart grow fonder?

9. Has something occurred—a death, a big birthday, a job loss—that's throwing off your relationship and needs to be addressed?

10. Have you done everything you possibly can to make this marriage work? Are you certain he has heard your complaints? Have you tried a marriage-education class or couples therapy? If he won't go to counseling, have you gone yourself to see how you might save the relationship?

TEN TIPS FOR HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.......FIND OUT ON OUR NEXT POST....

FINDING SOULMATE

A soul mate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. 

When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other.

 No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our own paradise.

 Our soul mate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. 

When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person. 

Our soul mate is the one who makes life come to life.

Soul mates are not a pair of people who magically work together in peace and harmony without ever running over rough ground. 

Every relationship has its rough moments, and the key to 'soul mates' is how the couple learns to *deal with* and surmount these difficulties. 

Non-soul mates drive each other away when they fight, and don't learn from the arguments.

 Soul mates figure out what the triggers are, learn to anticipate each other's needs, and as their relationship matures, get to the point where each really understands the other.

Two individuals in a couple are *individuals*, and each person grows at a different rate and in different directions. You want to encourage each other to grow, appreciate how your growth helps you both become better people, and your relationship better because of it.

Soul mates are not 'found' - no person can completely know another person when they first meet. You may *think* you know each other fully, but a lot of that is what you think is true about the other, and not actual fact. 

Soul mates are *built* over a lifetime of love and experience with each other.

One key is to believe in yourself, to believe in your partner, and to believe in the relationship. If you are always considering these three items when making decisions, and are secure that your partner is as well, then you're on your way!

IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOOD ENOUGH?......FIND OUT ON OUR NEXT POST..

SELF ANALYSIS TEST QUESTIONS

To aid those who really wish to see themselves as they really are, 

the following list of questions have been prepared, read the questions and state your answers aloud, so you can hear your own voice. This will make it easier for you to be truthful with yourself. Study the questions carefully, come back to them once each week for a month and be astounded at the amount of additional knowledge of great value to yourself you will have gained by the simple method of answering the questions truthfully. If you are not certain concerning some of the answers to some of the questions, seek the counsel of those who know you well, especially those who have no motive in flattering you and see yourself through their eyes. The experience will be astonishing.

·        Do you often complain of ‘feeling bad’, and if so, what is the cause?

·       Do you find fault with people at the slightest provocation?

·       Do you frequently make mistakes in your work, and if so, why?

·       Are you sarcastic and offensive in your conversation?

·       Do you deliberately avoid the association of anyone, and if so why?

·       Do you suffer frequently with indigestion? If so, what is the cause?
Does life seem futile and the future hopeless to you?

·       Do you like your occupation? If not, why?

·       Do you often feel self-pity, and if so, why?

·       Are you envious of those who excel you?

·       To which do you devote most time, thinking of success, or of failure?

·       Are you gaining or losing self-confidence as you grow older?

·       Do you learn something of value from all mistakes?

·       are you permitting some relative or acquaintances to worry you? If so, why?

·       Are you sometimes “in the clouds” and at other times in the depths of despondency?

·       Who has the most inspiring influence upon you? What is the cause?

·       Do you tolerate negative or discouraging influences which you can avoid?

·       Are you careless about your personal appearance? If so, when and why?

·       Have you learned how to “drown your troubles” by being too busy to be annoyed by them?

·       Would you call yourself a “spineless weakling” If you permitted others to do your thinking for you?

·       Do you neglect internal bathing until auto- intoxication makes you ill-tempered and irritable?

·       How many preventable disturbances annoy you, and why do you tolerate them?

·       Do you resort to alcohol or cigarettes to “quiet your nerves?” if so, why do you not try will- power instead?

·       Does anyone “nag” you, and if so, for what reason?

·       Do you have a definite major purpose, and if so, what is it, and what plan have you for achieving it?

·       Do you suffer from any of the six basic fears [ the fear of poverty, the fear of criticisms, the fear of ill health, the fear of loss of love of someone, the fear of old age and the fear of death]? If so, which ones?

·       Have you any method by which you can shield yourself against the negative influences of others?

·       Are you easily influenced by others against your own judgement?

·       Which do you value most, your material possessions, or your privilege of controlling your own thoughts?

·       Has today added anything of value to your stock of knowledge or state of mind and do you make it a duty to add something of value to your stock of knowledge on daily bases?

·       Do you face squarely the circumstances which make you unhappy, or sidestep the responsibility?

·       Do you analyse all mistakes and failures and try to profit by them or, do you take the attitude that this is not your duty?

·       Can you name 3 of your most damaging weaknesses? What are you doing to correct them?

·       Do you encourage other people to bring their worries to you for sympathy?

·       Do you choose from your daily experience, lessons or influences which aid in your personal advancement?

·       Does your presence have a negative influence on others as a rule?

·       What habits of other people annoy you most?

·       Does your occupation inspire with faith and hope?

·       Does your religion help you to keep your mind positive?

·       Do you feel it your duty to share other people’s worries? If so, why?

·       If you believe that “birds of a feather flock together,” what have you learned about yourself by studying the friends whom you attract?

·       Could it be possible that some person whom you consider to be a friend is, in reality, your worst enemy, because of his negative influence on you?

·       By what rules do you judge who is helpful and who is damaging to you?

·       Are your intimate associates mentally superior or inferior to you?

·       How much time out of every 24hrs do you devote to:=Your occupation,Sleep,Play and relaxation?

·       Acquiring useful knowledge Plain waste?

·       Who among your acquaintances Encourages you most,Cautions you most,Discourages you most?

·       What is your greatest worry? Why do you tolerate it?

·       When others give you free, unsolicited advice, do you accept it without question, or analyse their motive?

·       What above all else, do you most desire? Do you intend to acquire it? Are you willing to subordinate all other desires for this one? How much time do you devote daily to acquiring it?

·       Do you change your mind often? If so, why?

·       Do you usually finish everything you begin?

·       Are you easily impressed by other people’s business or professional titles, school degrees, or wealth?

·       Are you easily influenced by what other people think or say of you?

·       Do you cater for people because of their social or financial status?

·       Whom do you believe to be the greatest person living? In what respect is this person superior to yourself?

·       How much time have you devoted to studying and answering these questions? [at least one day is necessary for the analysis and the answering of the entire list]
If you have answered all these questions truthfully, you know more about yourself than the majority of people. 

FINDING SOUL MATE......FIND OUT ON OUR NEXT POST....